icametobreakit

i imagine us together on a bus somewhere. like berlin or dublin.
it's raining. the sky is dark. the clouds are heavy. the cold water rolls in small streams down the thin, pale glass windows. but we are inside. together. glowing. warm.

we share glances. gazes. long and consuming.
fathoms deep. gasping for air. a diver refusing to return to the surface. enjoying the beauty. the life. the unknown.

my hands fit snugly into yours. like nesting dolls.
we are unaware of the chaos around us.
the commuters. the tourists. the traffic. the war. the rain. the pollution.

your breath falls heavily on my ear. sweet words pass from your lips.
those lips. will never pass me by again. will never wander. alone. together.
neglected no more.
tell me. tell me. tell me.
tell me while we are. tell me when we were. tell me when we will be.
tell me. in my ear.
tell me. on my lips.
tell me over and over and over.

we are locked inside the walls of a house that harbors this feeling.
this shared emotion. immeasurable in value. gold. solid. heavy. immovable. undying. eternal.

so we ride. on this bus. we are passengers. along for the ride.
our journey. our adventure.
it is not that we have anywhere to be, but that we are together.

the polaroid images fell from between the pages of my book on plant etymology.
between cocoa beans and callalillies.
i fell.
my face was young(er).
eyes.
passionate.
determined.
your name. my heart.
all there.
in the palm of my hand.

front row center at morrissey.
a few feet away from the man, ALL night.

pale eyes. small waist. soft hands. smelling of fine cedar and catholic inscense.

he held my hand during "i will see you in far off places"
and i got a button from his black button up, during "let me kiss you."

on the way home, i saw a shooting star.


perfect. night.

almost.

but willing to live it again,and again, and again.
rather than returning to the reality of things below.

http://thenotoriouslep.blogspot.com/

origami workshops and indian princesses.
sinus headaches and side splitting laughter.
notorious b.i.g.'s ONE MORE CHANCE on repeat in the car and phone calls from the brooklyn baby.


all in all, not a bad weekend.

oooooooh.

p.s.

holiday inn showers and DO NOT DISTURB signs.

i just finished my unit plan on social activism... not bad.

my thoughts keep drifting back to being someone's art baby... brooklyn...
and how my passenger seat is in the same position you left it nearly a month ago.
a month.
feels like a year.

i'm nostalgic for new experiences.

think about THAT.

factory girl and 40 oz.'s <3.
dead serious.

i really do long for a time when an artist steals the lime light from pop princesses and
heiresses.
a time when beautiful muses overshadowed the celebrity power-couple.

i want a revolution.
i want paint splatters to replace bloodshed.
i want cigarette butts to replace ammunition shells.

revolt.
now.

mike giant neck tattoos.

get ready.

your writing hangs on my walls.
not giving me answers.
only fueling my confusion.

the colors paint pictures.
past conversations that served as inspiration.
now and then.
here and there.
musing.
minding.
missing.
regretful for my inability to change the world.
to move moutains.
to undo a vicious cycle.
mistakes
mine.
yours.
the mistakes of time.
built upon... mistakes?
historially. emotionally.
strengthen the foundation.
build.
build.
build.
searching for answers in dark rooms.
i can feel the writing.
sense it.
still guiding me.
the voice is distant.
but not inaudible.

keep talking.
i'm listening.

i've been learning about professionalism...
wearing black skirts and heels.
looking the part. without boring myself.
i still wear the nameplate... and my nails
are a give away that i'm NEVER going to wear
the boring "uniform" that seem to be the standard for
my profession.

maybe i fit the duality that is suggested by my astrological sign.

i'm slightly more complicated than most realize.

i think this is the case for most people.
people with layers.
people with substance.
i like feeling that at any one time you are missing something about me.
i'm never THAT vulnerable.
i've always got a secret.

"you're a booty shaker, aren't you?"


the club really is in the parking lot.


life is currentlly a little bizarre.
opportunities have been arising... and i've been accepting
before thinking. i think this may be the best for now.

keepin' thangs excting.
i start school monday and plan to be at the top
fo my class so i get reccommended for the paid internship.

i feel like a pinball.

back and forth between emotions, people, paths.

don't let me fall through the cracks.

your broken sleep was all too familair.
sighs & moans that broke my heart.
i wanted to step inside your dreams...
fill your head with the warmth of the sun
we had bathed in earlier that day.
i wanted to keep them from getting inside...
negatives.

i found myself somewhere i never knew i'd be.
with you.
some place i wasn't sure i'd find.
but there i was.
tangled.
in steam and skin and thoughts and breathe and stares.
glances.
no longer deflected. or interrupted. or silenced.

disturbed by the bitter balance of the world.
shaken by incessant thought.

here in a surreal existance i found something.
however fleeting. momentary. temporary.
it was still mine.

and still i find myself drifting back to those cold nights.
the nights we danced the dance.
shifting.
shiftless.
finding comfort in noses and limbs and eyes and mouths.
saying and not saying.
you opened my eyes.

goodbye kisses hurt the most.

life has been incredible... to say the least.
lots of changes but all of these changes are really treating the girl right.

spending time with a handful of amazing people.
ellipticals. sweating. laughs. juke boxes. grey goose and cran. cold nights. cold mornings.
lots and losts of daydreaming.

the family of friends visit LOTS which eases my mind.
jaime is pretty much the best friend i could ask for.

getting my nails done this morning then heading to my sister's.
i have a dinner for 826 valencia tonight at bucca di beppo on howard street.
milk tomorrow night with the crew.

san diego and my baby bear in a one weeeek from today. that's right. 7 days.

well hello there, baby bear.

see you in 3 1/2 weeks.

panic attacks bring a wonderful calm after the storm.
so do phone calls from new york from friends that really care about you.
i never would have imagined that at 22 i'd have a friendship with someone
that i've know since I was 8 years old.

down one more paxil and call me in the morning.

hi. my name is lindsey and i'm a glutton for heartache.

love and lust.
both curious things.
never to be confused. one for the other.

the one leaves you warm. eternally.
the other only in the throes of passion.

the one finds the beauty in chicken pox scars and slender fingers.
the other only recognizes the curve of breasts and the heat of breath.



the one sees me.
the other sees what it wants to see.

*spooning holds more intimacy than sex.

nice nails.
let's do it.